I'm not one for spreading my dirty laundry of feelings on the internet, but i just need to get some things off my chest before they break my ribs. The past couple of months have been no joke, rough. I feel like I am sick of my complaining. Recently there is nothing to be happy about. I don't want to bring anyone down so I'm (mostly) holding it in. I am becoming more fed up with people and haven't done anything worth happiness in a long while.
Rocky is it's own beast. I am having such a wonderful time doing new things with this show. I have never had an experience like this, and I am so incredibly thankful for the opportunity to do it. Harder than I thought going to five days a week rehearsal, to a full week of show, then only three days. My busy schedule is just now catching up to me. Blessed to have thirty hour work weeks when some have none, but that and the show- YIKES-A-BEE! It's difficult to work out everything you need to finish and still stay a sane person.
The weeks have also been hard because I haven't had one of my best friends there to help me. I'm tired of being stuck in a box. Being the person that everyone else wants me to be. WHY must we change to be what others want us to be? Why can't I just be me?
It is so hard to realize what people truly think of you. I feel like a lot of people that I have met in this last year, have an idea of me but don't truly know who I am. This isn't a pity party on me, by no means. I know that most of these problems are my own. I need to have something in my life that is exciting and happy. I am so confused and heartbroken. Why is it so difficult to be myself in front of people I want to show most? Because they will judge me? Why should I bother with people who will judge me anyways?
I feel like a 23 year girl that is lost in LIMBO, L.A. I need you Chico just isn't cutting it these days.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Get By With A Little Help from My Friends
Well it literally has been forever since I wrote last.
A LOT has happened.
I ended the longest relationship that I ever had, graduated college, moved in with my best friend, and I am moving to LA in January.
Isn't it strange that no one knows where they will be next year, let alone TOMORROW. If I were to go back in time and tell my younger self that I wouldn't be living with Mitch, I would be single for the first time in FIVE years; I wouldn't believe me.
It has, and continues to be a hard journey in finding myself. I thought that I had everything that I ever wanted and that my life was one that people envied, yet I didn't. Shouldn't I love the life I live? I hated it, I felt trapped. Mitch is truly one of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life, and this has nothing to do with him. One day he will make a woman very lucky, that woman just wont be me.
This last semester of college was full of firsts. I met some of the most beautiful people on the planet and whether they like it or not, they are stuck with me for life. Sorry SPICE GIRLS.
That is why I am writing this blog.
The past seven months have quite honestly been the hardest I have ever had to handle. It is difficult learning to be you without someone else there to hold your hand or kiss you goodnight. Instead of a boyfriend, I got girlfriends and for the first time in my time here in Chico I felt like I could be myself around other people and not be...weirdly different, for lack of better words.
My beautiful friends are the reason I get up every morning. Miia, Ruth, Jessica, and Julia. I love you with all my heart. I know that I haven't been the greatest friend these past couple of weeks, but thank you for bearing with me and helping me through this. I don't know what we are going to do without each other. I will push that thought to the back of my mind and turn it off for now. I don't want to spend these next couple of weeks that we have together in this funk, and I know you all wont let me.
Love you guys.
"If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends,
Make it last forever friendship never ends."
That was pretty corny. get over it.
A LOT has happened.
I ended the longest relationship that I ever had, graduated college, moved in with my best friend, and I am moving to LA in January.
Isn't it strange that no one knows where they will be next year, let alone TOMORROW. If I were to go back in time and tell my younger self that I wouldn't be living with Mitch, I would be single for the first time in FIVE years; I wouldn't believe me.
It has, and continues to be a hard journey in finding myself. I thought that I had everything that I ever wanted and that my life was one that people envied, yet I didn't. Shouldn't I love the life I live? I hated it, I felt trapped. Mitch is truly one of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life, and this has nothing to do with him. One day he will make a woman very lucky, that woman just wont be me.
This last semester of college was full of firsts. I met some of the most beautiful people on the planet and whether they like it or not, they are stuck with me for life. Sorry SPICE GIRLS.
That is why I am writing this blog.
The past seven months have quite honestly been the hardest I have ever had to handle. It is difficult learning to be you without someone else there to hold your hand or kiss you goodnight. Instead of a boyfriend, I got girlfriends and for the first time in my time here in Chico I felt like I could be myself around other people and not be...weirdly different, for lack of better words.
My beautiful friends are the reason I get up every morning. Miia, Ruth, Jessica, and Julia. I love you with all my heart. I know that I haven't been the greatest friend these past couple of weeks, but thank you for bearing with me and helping me through this. I don't know what we are going to do without each other. I will push that thought to the back of my mind and turn it off for now. I don't want to spend these next couple of weeks that we have together in this funk, and I know you all wont let me.
Love you guys.
"If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends,
Make it last forever friendship never ends."
That was pretty corny. get over it.
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