Let Your Past Be the Sound of Your Feet Upon the Ground...

This blog was created for nights like these I suppose, nights where all I want to do is sleep and my mind is awake and ready for a full day.

I feel like sometimes when I write these all my words are mumbled together in a big heaping pile of word vomit, but that is fine. At least it is purging out rather than building up inside.

The first thing my mind wanders to is a little thing called ADDICTION. I had the pleasure of taking a trip back up to Chico this past week and see some familiar faces. When one goes back to a place that they have newly departed from, they feel as though nothing has changed and there is a sense of comfort and expectation of events. I had certain expectations going back to Chico and for the most part all things happened as I thought; I got to hang out with people I loved, see a person that I had met too late in the game, and I got to watch my friends play on stage in Vatzlav. Some things didn't happen the way that I thought that they would, AND that is a good thing.

On the last night of the trip, I was confused and angry. After speaking with a friend until the wee hours of the night about how disappointed I was at myself and how hurt I was, he laid it out perfectly. He said to me, " Sometimes, we have people in our lives that we find are the center of our Universe. We think that we love this person, that they truly are the only thing that is tethering us to the world, when in-fact they are our addiction." (might be a tad fragmented, but you get the point). The talk about addiction lead into what I had been feeling for the last month. I have been so wrapped up with someone that I couldn't get out of my head for an entire year. I thought that I loved this person, that him and I had to be right for each other because we would always just keep coming back to one another. In truth this "relationship," was hurtful for us both. There was no moving on, no closure. I felt like I needed him, and that seeing him in Chico, that he would realize he needed me. He doesn't and never will, and I am so okay with that now. I realized that what we had was not love but a constant fulfillment of a void, a void that I thought I needed to fill. I needed to fill it because I enjoyed the feeling of being wanted and adored. When this person gave that to me, I assumed that was what love was. Selfishly, I placed him in this box of I love yous and don't ever leave mes, that was stupid. So I've gone cold turkey. Opening the box and not feeding the addiction. I'm moving on, letting the past be the past, in his words, "it was fun." Ah it's so good to say that, I can breathe.

I did some things while in Chico that I immediately regret, to try and hurt this person, and I want to apologize for that. I am a selfish person who was upset, and at the time it was all I could do but not yell at you.

Second mind wander, moving on. HA. There are times in everyone's life when we find people that we just connect with. I found this person 2 weeks before moving to LA. I don't allow myself to open up to many people, and with this person it is effortless. He makes me laugh, he enjoys my friends, he can talk to me like a normal human being, and he is easy on the eyes. :) I have been so caught up in trying to keep someone else in my life, that this person took a back seat for a long time. I didn't even tell him I was coming to Chico until we got there, and he still made time to see me. I know how this must look, but I feel like this person is different. I don't need him in my life, I would just like him there, a lot. ha. He is too cool for me and right now, neither of us need a relationship. Although, I have never told him any of this, when we are around each other it just works, effortlessly. It is a pity that I live here and he is moving to Colorado sooner than later. I hope that we will always have the sort of relationship we have now, where nothing is set in stone, it's just fun to be around each other, like it should be with everyone else in life.

On this trip I also realized how blessed I am to have the family of friends that I do. And yes I mean FAMILY. You all know who you are. I love you guys and I swear that I wouldn't be walking around if it weren't for you. You are all crazy and reckless and full of problems, but you are loving and caring and pick a girl up when she falls flat on her face and needs a couch to sleep on. I am surrounded by the most talented group of folks and I am so incredibly grateful for you!

Anyways that was a lot of bull shit to throw out there, and I don't really give a darn. So thank you for allowing me to vomit my thoughts all over:)
Until next time.

Dreams do come TRUE!

WOAH. Alright today is officially the third week since I moved to LA, LA Land. An incredible amount of things have happened in such a short amount of time, I feel like I have lived here for months. I sit here in our fairly large one bedroom apartment in boxer shorts and a T, cause you know its always 70 degrees in K-Town, listening to the sounds of my beautiful roommate cackle over (500)Days of Summer, the humdrum buzz of the cars making their way down the lonely city streets of LA. It makes me wonder where they are going you know? Are they going home after working their second shift, going to a friends, coming back from the Grammy's, booty call... where ever they might be going, they are always moving fast, and if you get in their way, you better move quick. Time is never stopping here. Everyone has a mission.

Speaking of missions.
The first week we moved here I signed up with a talent agency called Central Casting. The second week I devoted my time to applying for JOBS, got hired at three places, turned down two and took the third. I am now a server at the Italian restaurant, Buca di Beppo, at Universal City walk. That's right folks, this girl gets to park for FREE and get employee discounts at one of the largest tourists traps in LA. Yippeee. Not to mention a pretty hefty workout seeing as how all I do is run up and down three flights of stairs all day. After, I found out that I got the Buca job, I got a call from Central Casting saying that I was booked for a Major Motion Picture starring Steve Carell, Steve Buscemi, Olivia Wilde, and Jim Carrey. NBD. It was for and audience member-nothing big. So, I show up to set and go to wardrobe and hair and make-up, then sit around for HOURS. Then they finally took us into set. I have never seen anything like it. Movie cameras with actual film and people talking in secret movie production languages. It was un-real. And then Steve Carell walks in and gives us a speech about how awesome we are and how lucky the team is to have us aboard. WHAT! I was sitting in front of a man that I thought I would never meet in my whole life and here he was doing his craft, his silly faces, his line-o-ramas RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. How lucky am I that I get to do something this awesome. To hang out and watch people be people. Blessed.
I met a lot of folks over the four days I was there and gained LOADS of information on how to better myself. I was fortunate to receive all THREE of my SAG vouchers which makes me SAG eligible. People were telling me that this situation NEVER happens. People go their whole lives and never receive one voucher, and here I am my FIRST shoot ever with all THREE. I don't know if I believe that there is a GOD, but boy let me tell you there is something out there watching over me and making sure that everything that I have been working toward is not going unnoticed. And thank you for that.
I am constantly telling people that you need to believe in yourself, and to not be afraid of your own greatness. I have been told that by many and never listened, until I decided that I am better than I give myself credit for.
I am lucky to be fortunate enough to do the thing that I love most in my life, when most are afraid to even put their hand on the door knob and turn.