This blog was created for nights like these I suppose, nights where all I want to do is sleep and my mind is awake and ready for a full day.
I feel like sometimes when I write these all my words are mumbled together in a big heaping pile of word vomit, but that is fine. At least it is purging out rather than building up inside.
The first thing my mind wanders to is a little thing called ADDICTION. I had the pleasure of taking a trip back up to Chico this past week and see some familiar faces. When one goes back to a place that they have newly departed from, they feel as though nothing has changed and there is a sense of comfort and expectation of events. I had certain expectations going back to Chico and for the most part all things happened as I thought; I got to hang out with people I loved, see a person that I had met too late in the game, and I got to watch my friends play on stage in Vatzlav. Some things didn't happen the way that I thought that they would, AND that is a good thing.
On the last night of the trip, I was confused and angry. After speaking with a friend until the wee hours of the night about how disappointed I was at myself and how hurt I was, he laid it out perfectly. He said to me, " Sometimes, we have people in our lives that we find are the center of our Universe. We think that we love this person, that they truly are the only thing that is tethering us to the world, when in-fact they are our addiction." (might be a tad fragmented, but you get the point). The talk about addiction lead into what I had been feeling for the last month. I have been so wrapped up with someone that I couldn't get out of my head for an entire year. I thought that I loved this person, that him and I had to be right for each other because we would always just keep coming back to one another. In truth this "relationship," was hurtful for us both. There was no moving on, no closure. I felt like I needed him, and that seeing him in Chico, that he would realize he needed me. He doesn't and never will, and I am so okay with that now. I realized that what we had was not love but a constant fulfillment of a void, a void that I thought I needed to fill. I needed to fill it because I enjoyed the feeling of being wanted and adored. When this person gave that to me, I assumed that was what love was. Selfishly, I placed him in this box of I love yous and don't ever leave mes, that was stupid. So I've gone cold turkey. Opening the box and not feeding the addiction. I'm moving on, letting the past be the past, in his words, "it was fun." Ah it's so good to say that, I can breathe.
I did some things while in Chico that I immediately regret, to try and hurt this person, and I want to apologize for that. I am a selfish person who was upset, and at the time it was all I could do but not yell at you.
Second mind wander, moving on. HA. There are times in everyone's life when we find people that we just connect with. I found this person 2 weeks before moving to LA. I don't allow myself to open up to many people, and with this person it is effortless. He makes me laugh, he enjoys my friends, he can talk to me like a normal human being, and he is easy on the eyes. :) I have been so caught up in trying to keep someone else in my life, that this person took a back seat for a long time. I didn't even tell him I was coming to Chico until we got there, and he still made time to see me. I know how this must look, but I feel like this person is different. I don't need him in my life, I would just like him there, a lot. ha. He is too cool for me and right now, neither of us need a relationship. Although, I have never told him any of this, when we are around each other it just works, effortlessly. It is a pity that I live here and he is moving to Colorado sooner than later. I hope that we will always have the sort of relationship we have now, where nothing is set in stone, it's just fun to be around each other, like it should be with everyone else in life.
On this trip I also realized how blessed I am to have the family of friends that I do. And yes I mean FAMILY. You all know who you are. I love you guys and I swear that I wouldn't be walking around if it weren't for you. You are all crazy and reckless and full of problems, but you are loving and caring and pick a girl up when she falls flat on her face and needs a couch to sleep on. I am surrounded by the most talented group of folks and I am so incredibly grateful for you!
Anyways that was a lot of bull shit to throw out there, and I don't really give a darn. So thank you for allowing me to vomit my thoughts all over:)
Until next time.
