Rain...Better

I write this as an e-mail to myself from my smartphone; one because I don't have Internet, and two because auto correct rules my life. 
Tonight is the first rain I've tasted in months. It makes the sidewalks sparkle, the air sweeter, and it reeks of home. The skies are painted with the color of city, ever changing with the passing street lights and wandering clouds. The sound of "Grapevine Fires" and plops of water from poor leaves that have yet to see, let alone feel, the weight of water, rush into my eardrums soothing my soul. In something that most Southern Californians would run away from, I find myself stopped in the middle of Broadway staring at the purple haze as the water cascades onto my tired face, and embracing every damp moment as it hits me with truth. There is something in the air tonight that keeps whispering, "Breathe," and leaves you standing out there, (even when that incessant red flashing hand is reminding you to stop,) lingering for more. 
These past few months have been the rough and toughest, ever. Tonight, tonight, made everything seem so small. Forget all the expectations, "I could do betters," "I need you's," emoticon smiley faces, "I miss you's," "I'll miss you's," "I'm sorrys," "I'm not sorrys," and motha lovin' bed bugs; forget the drama because life, life is as real as that hole in your shoe that you happen to wear on a walk that you take in the rain. There to remind you, nobody is perfect. 
I have never once stopped to breathe, let alone dance in the rain, and tonight my dancin' shoes were on, (hole and all) and I don't care who sees, because this is me. And things can always, no matter what, get better. And life is as simple, inspiring, and freeing as a misty rainfall in Southern California. Validation for how wonderful, beautiful, special you are should come from within you. This first rain, let me stop and take it ALLL in. What's it going to do for you? If nothing else but a free car wash, your day is still made, booyah! Breathe it in friends. 

Sent from my iPhone

Let Your Past Be the Sound of Your Feet Upon the Ground...

This blog was created for nights like these I suppose, nights where all I want to do is sleep and my mind is awake and ready for a full day.

I feel like sometimes when I write these all my words are mumbled together in a big heaping pile of word vomit, but that is fine. At least it is purging out rather than building up inside.

The first thing my mind wanders to is a little thing called ADDICTION. I had the pleasure of taking a trip back up to Chico this past week and see some familiar faces. When one goes back to a place that they have newly departed from, they feel as though nothing has changed and there is a sense of comfort and expectation of events. I had certain expectations going back to Chico and for the most part all things happened as I thought; I got to hang out with people I loved, see a person that I had met too late in the game, and I got to watch my friends play on stage in Vatzlav. Some things didn't happen the way that I thought that they would, AND that is a good thing.

On the last night of the trip, I was confused and angry. After speaking with a friend until the wee hours of the night about how disappointed I was at myself and how hurt I was, he laid it out perfectly. He said to me, " Sometimes, we have people in our lives that we find are the center of our Universe. We think that we love this person, that they truly are the only thing that is tethering us to the world, when in-fact they are our addiction." (might be a tad fragmented, but you get the point). The talk about addiction lead into what I had been feeling for the last month. I have been so wrapped up with someone that I couldn't get out of my head for an entire year. I thought that I loved this person, that him and I had to be right for each other because we would always just keep coming back to one another. In truth this "relationship," was hurtful for us both. There was no moving on, no closure. I felt like I needed him, and that seeing him in Chico, that he would realize he needed me. He doesn't and never will, and I am so okay with that now. I realized that what we had was not love but a constant fulfillment of a void, a void that I thought I needed to fill. I needed to fill it because I enjoyed the feeling of being wanted and adored. When this person gave that to me, I assumed that was what love was. Selfishly, I placed him in this box of I love yous and don't ever leave mes, that was stupid. So I've gone cold turkey. Opening the box and not feeding the addiction. I'm moving on, letting the past be the past, in his words, "it was fun." Ah it's so good to say that, I can breathe.

I did some things while in Chico that I immediately regret, to try and hurt this person, and I want to apologize for that. I am a selfish person who was upset, and at the time it was all I could do but not yell at you.

Second mind wander, moving on. HA. There are times in everyone's life when we find people that we just connect with. I found this person 2 weeks before moving to LA. I don't allow myself to open up to many people, and with this person it is effortless. He makes me laugh, he enjoys my friends, he can talk to me like a normal human being, and he is easy on the eyes. :) I have been so caught up in trying to keep someone else in my life, that this person took a back seat for a long time. I didn't even tell him I was coming to Chico until we got there, and he still made time to see me. I know how this must look, but I feel like this person is different. I don't need him in my life, I would just like him there, a lot. ha. He is too cool for me and right now, neither of us need a relationship. Although, I have never told him any of this, when we are around each other it just works, effortlessly. It is a pity that I live here and he is moving to Colorado sooner than later. I hope that we will always have the sort of relationship we have now, where nothing is set in stone, it's just fun to be around each other, like it should be with everyone else in life.

On this trip I also realized how blessed I am to have the family of friends that I do. And yes I mean FAMILY. You all know who you are. I love you guys and I swear that I wouldn't be walking around if it weren't for you. You are all crazy and reckless and full of problems, but you are loving and caring and pick a girl up when she falls flat on her face and needs a couch to sleep on. I am surrounded by the most talented group of folks and I am so incredibly grateful for you!

Anyways that was a lot of bull shit to throw out there, and I don't really give a darn. So thank you for allowing me to vomit my thoughts all over:)
Until next time.

Dreams do come TRUE!

WOAH. Alright today is officially the third week since I moved to LA, LA Land. An incredible amount of things have happened in such a short amount of time, I feel like I have lived here for months. I sit here in our fairly large one bedroom apartment in boxer shorts and a T, cause you know its always 70 degrees in K-Town, listening to the sounds of my beautiful roommate cackle over (500)Days of Summer, the humdrum buzz of the cars making their way down the lonely city streets of LA. It makes me wonder where they are going you know? Are they going home after working their second shift, going to a friends, coming back from the Grammy's, booty call... where ever they might be going, they are always moving fast, and if you get in their way, you better move quick. Time is never stopping here. Everyone has a mission.

Speaking of missions.
The first week we moved here I signed up with a talent agency called Central Casting. The second week I devoted my time to applying for JOBS, got hired at three places, turned down two and took the third. I am now a server at the Italian restaurant, Buca di Beppo, at Universal City walk. That's right folks, this girl gets to park for FREE and get employee discounts at one of the largest tourists traps in LA. Yippeee. Not to mention a pretty hefty workout seeing as how all I do is run up and down three flights of stairs all day. After, I found out that I got the Buca job, I got a call from Central Casting saying that I was booked for a Major Motion Picture starring Steve Carell, Steve Buscemi, Olivia Wilde, and Jim Carrey. NBD. It was for and audience member-nothing big. So, I show up to set and go to wardrobe and hair and make-up, then sit around for HOURS. Then they finally took us into set. I have never seen anything like it. Movie cameras with actual film and people talking in secret movie production languages. It was un-real. And then Steve Carell walks in and gives us a speech about how awesome we are and how lucky the team is to have us aboard. WHAT! I was sitting in front of a man that I thought I would never meet in my whole life and here he was doing his craft, his silly faces, his line-o-ramas RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. How lucky am I that I get to do something this awesome. To hang out and watch people be people. Blessed.
I met a lot of folks over the four days I was there and gained LOADS of information on how to better myself. I was fortunate to receive all THREE of my SAG vouchers which makes me SAG eligible. People were telling me that this situation NEVER happens. People go their whole lives and never receive one voucher, and here I am my FIRST shoot ever with all THREE. I don't know if I believe that there is a GOD, but boy let me tell you there is something out there watching over me and making sure that everything that I have been working toward is not going unnoticed. And thank you for that.
I am constantly telling people that you need to believe in yourself, and to not be afraid of your own greatness. I have been told that by many and never listened, until I decided that I am better than I give myself credit for.
I am lucky to be fortunate enough to do the thing that I love most in my life, when most are afraid to even put their hand on the door knob and turn.

Someone Call the Wambulance

I'm not one for spreading my dirty laundry of feelings on the internet, but i just need to get some things off my chest before they break my ribs. The past couple of months have been no joke, rough. I feel like I am sick of my complaining. Recently there is nothing to be happy about. I don't want to bring anyone down so I'm (mostly) holding it in. I am becoming more fed up with people and haven't done anything worth happiness in a long while.

Rocky is it's own beast. I am having such a wonderful time doing new things with this show. I have never had an experience like this, and I am so incredibly thankful for the opportunity to do it. Harder than I thought going to five days a week rehearsal, to a full week of show, then only three days. My busy schedule is just now catching up to me. Blessed to have thirty hour work weeks when some have none, but that and the show- YIKES-A-BEE! It's difficult to work out everything you need to finish and still stay a sane person.                                                                                                                                                                                                                             
The weeks have also been hard because I haven't had one of my best friends there to help me. I'm tired of being stuck in a box. Being the person that everyone else wants me to be. WHY must we change to be what others want us to be? Why can't I just be me?

It is so hard to realize what people truly think of you. I feel like a lot of people that I have met in this last year, have an idea of me but don't truly know who I am. This isn't a pity party on me, by no means. I know that most of these problems are my own. I need to have something in my life that is exciting and happy. I am so confused and heartbroken. Why is it so difficult to be myself in front of people I want to show most? Because they will judge me? Why should I bother with people who will judge me anyways?

I feel like a 23 year girl that is lost in LIMBO, L.A. I need you Chico just isn't cutting it these days.

Get By With A Little Help from My Friends

Well it literally has been forever since I wrote last.
A LOT has happened.
I ended the longest relationship that I ever had, graduated college, moved in with my best friend, and I am moving to LA in January.

Isn't it strange that no one knows where they will be next year, let alone TOMORROW. If I were to go back in time and tell my younger self that I wouldn't be living with Mitch, I would be single for the first time in FIVE years; I wouldn't believe me.

It has, and continues to be a hard journey in finding myself. I thought that I had everything that I ever wanted and that my life was one that people envied, yet I didn't. Shouldn't I love the life I live? I hated it, I felt trapped. Mitch is truly one of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life, and this has nothing to do with him. One day he will make a woman very lucky, that woman just wont be me.

This last semester of college was full of firsts. I met some of the most beautiful people on the planet and whether they like it or not, they are stuck with me for life. Sorry SPICE GIRLS.
That is why I am writing this blog.

The past seven months have quite honestly been the hardest I have ever had to handle. It is difficult learning to be you without someone else there to hold your hand or kiss you goodnight. Instead of a boyfriend, I got girlfriends and for the first time in my time here in Chico I felt like I could be myself around other people and not be...weirdly different, for lack of better words.
My beautiful friends are the reason I get up every morning. Miia, Ruth, Jessica, and Julia. I love you with all my heart. I know that I haven't been the greatest friend these past couple of weeks, but thank you for bearing with me and helping me through this. I don't know what we are going to do without each other. I will push that thought to the back of my mind and turn it off for now. I don't want to spend these next couple of weeks that we have together in this funk, and I know you all wont let me.

Love you guys.
"If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends,
Make it last forever friendship never ends."

That was pretty corny. get over it. 

The Night is Young

Well, as I sit here in my tiny two bedroom apartment where everyone is peacefully dreaming I am awake creating a blog, and wondering why... why must I post my feelings on the internet for the world to read. I find that all my thoughts are a little random and crazy lately.

Like what I am going to do after college...okay that isn't random, but to me its a little crazy. I can't help but think there is a reason why I stayed in school for another year and that is COMFORTABILITY. I am afraid of the 'real world,' whatever that means. I thought that I had my plans figured out.

I was going to go to URTAs this February and audition for graduate MFA programs at wonderful schools like most Thespians from our department do. However, I can't see myself there. That's a problem...right? I mean I should know 100% that I want to spend another 2-3 years in school and I don't. SO plan B.

MOVE to Hollywood!

O dear what am I thinking! This is nuts. I have always wanted to and I know that in my heart I will love it there, but I am so...peeing my pants (for lack of a better term). I know that my dream of becoming an actress may seem a little far fetched to some, but that is all I have ever wanted to be in my entire life. Ever since I dressed up my little brother when we were in diapers, and I wrote plays and musicals to show family members. I have such an amazing support system who loves me and believes in me, I think that the problem is: I don't believe in myself sometimes, okay most of the time. So this is going to happen. Mitch, Koda, Indie, and I are heading to Hollywood after we graduate so I can be the actress that I always hoped I could be.

My Dad always told me I could be anything if I put my heart into it. I'm taking the leap Dad, finally I can't keep holding myself back.

But for now, until the end of this last year of college...yikes. I will be giving it all I got, not for anybody else but myself. I think thats the point of this blog- finding who I am, so won't you join me on my crazy adventure, hopefully I can keep you entertained:)

Until next time my fellow night dwellers...